Franklin Taggart's Unconventional Life Blog

"C'mon kid...JUMP!" the kids behind me on the diving board shouted. As their pleas became more urgent and demanding, I looked over the edge and trembled, partly because I was cold and wet, and partly because of the terror I was feeling in that moment. At 6 years old I was already a pretty good swimmer. I'd taken two summers worth of lessons, and I could easily get from one end of the pool to the other, but this was the latest in a growing string of false starts in my quest for conquering the diving board. I was the last of my group of friends to accomplish this particular rite of summertime passage. It wasn't for lack of desire; I'd wanted to jump off the diving board since at least the Summer before, and I'd been thinking about it almost to the point of obsession throughout the present Summer, which was nearing its end. I'd come close to jumping twice before this time, and I'd gotten as close as the end of the board before running back to th

Self doubt, insecurity and uncertainty have been frequent visitors to my psyche for as long as I can remember. I can remember feeling these things all the way back to my earliest memories. They're not necessarily tied to any particular circumstances. I just felt that way. I still often feel that way. For a long time I thought that these frequent feelings were an indicator of some personal deficiency. Why the hell couldn't I just be more confident, self assured, and secure? If I felt this way there must be something really wrong with me. Therapy ensued. I found little relief. Talking about my past, my upbringing, and social patterns didn't help. Nor did positive thinking, rationalizing, or emoting. Hitting the bed with a pillow only damaged the pillow. I also tried to fix the feelings by seeking solutions through relationships, sex, religion, spirituality, work, money, and anything else that I believed could repair me. Nothing worked. Nothing. Several years ago